THE GUARDIAN’S WORST SPORTS MOVIES…
THE VIEW FROM THE UK….
WHAT IS YOUR LIST LIKE?
AND WHAT ARE THE BEST SPORTS MOVIES?
COMMENTS VERY MUCH WELCOMED….KEEP IT CIVIL, EH?
The Joy of Six: the worst sports movies ever
From Rocky Balboa to When Saturday Comes, the most cringeworthy sporting films of all time
Scott Murray
January 25, 2008 2:22 PM
1) Rocky Balboa
As if the first 63 Rocky movies didn’t push the boundaries of sticky sentimentality enough - though in fairness the original Rocky’s not bad in a Saturday Night Fever wrong-side-of-the-tracks kind of way - the final instalment in Sylvester Stallone’s Balboa story crashes way over the line. (And that’s quite an achievement, since Sly single-handedly put an end to the Cold War in Rocky IV by informing Dolph Lundgren that “if I can change, and you can change, then everybody can change”.) Stumbling around seemingly high on botox, Stallone spends his time mulling over snippets of cod philosophy - “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows, it’s a very mean and nasty place” - and comes to the conclusion that, by losing, one can actually become … wait for it … a winner. Having this healthy outlook on life is just as well, because in this career-wrecking shambles, Stallone appears to conflate his own life with that of his most famous on-screen character to such an extent you can’t really tell if it’s Rocky or Sly who is spouting about how he used to be a contender.
2) The Football Factory
Some critics have suggested that this yob romp was a worthwhile enterprise as it took a non-judgemental look at the realities of football hooliganism. Those who actually bothered to watch it with their eyes open saw the usual tedious glorification and glamourisation of alpha-male posturing and mindless violence. “S’it worf it, Tommy?” asks a none-more-cockernee voice in none-more-cockernee Danny Dyer’s lead character’s empty head. The answer being, of course, you must be effing joking, this here is utter pap. The film did have one thing going for it, however, in that it spawned the unintentionally hilarious Sky One documentary series The Real Football Factories, which saw gloriously deluded middle-class actor Dyer pretending to get off on, and get on with, firms of thugs partaking in “mass offs” and “right propah nawty rumbles”. You couldn’t script the fact that someone scripted it.
3) When Saturday Comes
Sean Bean (tick) stars as Jimmy Muir, a working-class (tick) Sunday-league (tick) striker (tick) made good. Muir is haunted (tick) by the ghost of his brother (tick) who died down t’pit (tick) and goes off the rails (tick), as indicated by a dalliance with a stripper (tick) who has Sheffield United tattoo on her jacksie (tick). But it all ends well (tick) because Muir gets his act together (tick) after being told some home truths (tick) and facing up to his responsibilities (tick); he comes off the bench (tick) to score a hat-trick (tick) against Manchester United (tick) in the semi-final of the FA Cup (tick) with the last a slow-motion penalty (tick). What more do you want? Mel Sterland as the team bully? Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!
4) Any Given Sunday
MOR jazz noodlings swell in the background. Al Pacino, sporting hair like Ted Bovis from Hi-De-Hi, bangs on about how life - and indeed gridiron - is “just a game of inches”. Goons with necks thicker than their heads nod and yell and whoop and scream. “Hell! Yeah!” “The six inches is in front of your face,” hollers Pacino. Eh? Y’what? Hold on, sorry: Hell! Yeah! “When we add up all those inches, that’s going to make the fucking difference between WINNING and LOSING, between LIVING and DYING.” Despite this speech being possibly the most hackneyed ever, some going in the context of the Hollywood blockbuster, up-and-under tacticians Jake White and Sam Allardyce have used recordings and transcripts of it to gee their own teams up - a state of affairs which gives new meaning to the phrase “motivational tools”.
5) Escape to Victory
During the German occupation of Ukraine in the second world war, a side mainly comprising players from Dynamo Kiev took on German army teams and thrashed them out of sight time and time again. Nazi patience snapped after Start, as the team were known, recorded an 8-0 victory, and the players were rounded up by the Gestapo and tortured, sent to labour camps, or shot. By the time this horrendous tale had been filtered through the Hollywood scriptwriting process, however, Sylvester Stallone was saving a penalty in the last minute and everyone escaped to live happily ever after. Utter pish, only partially redeemed by Russell Osman’s half-time team talk, an acting masterclass up there with Ryan Giggs’s early 90s appearances in the Quorn adverts.
6) Tin Cup
There are two great movies about baseball - Bull Durham and Field of Dreams - and both star Kevin Costner. Every massage parlour’s favourite actor also stars in this golfing flick, but sadly this particular Costner sports vehicle doesn’t make the grade. In fairness, it’s a top-notch piece of feelgood Hollywood fluff - redemption, a love interest, a short comedy sidekick, what’s not to love - but the actual golfing narrative is risible. A hard-drinking, crowd-pleasing waster who rocks up out of nowhere and nearly wins the US Open? It’s not that bad an idea; problem is, life is stranger than fiction, and we all know that what happened in the 1991 USPGA at Crooked Stick knocks Tin Cup into a cocked hat.
Comments
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Bois
January 25, 2008 2:31 PM
“Up and Under”
Samantha Janus plays rugby league…….
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andrewm
January 25, 2008 2:35 PM
Edinburgh/gbr
The best bit about When Saturday Comes is that because he can’t tell his mates that he’s got a trial the next day, he’s obliged to get completely hammered with them, thus ruining his chances. I’m sure failed football triallists up and down the land found that painfully true to their own lives. Or possibly not.
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LeCoqSportif
January 25, 2008 2:39 PM
Bois…….she got naked !
Top film
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AndyinBrum
January 25, 2008 2:39 PM
Edinburgh/gbr
Escape to Victory’s tons of fun, just for Pele’s overhead kick that is so blatently two different takes.
For shame.
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johnnyutah01
January 25, 2008 2:40 PM
London/gbr
Any Given Sunday is one of my great guilty pleasures, thank you very much!! Ridiculous and fun at the same time… Thank you Oliver Stone!
Other dishonourable mentions:
Mean Machine (awful english rip off of The Longest Yard)
The Longest Yard (no, not the excellent Burt Reynolds original but the dire Adam Sandler “vehicle”. Painful to watch)
Silver Dream Racer (David Essex rides a motorbike fast. Oh dear)
American Racers (Kevin Costner as a cyclist)
Wimbledon (Paul Bettany fails to convince as an ace tennis player - geddit???)
Best sports films:
Bull Durham
The Color of Money
Friday Night Lights
I.D. (okay, about hooligans but it’s still excellent)
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YAMFURY
January 25, 2008 2:44 PM
Newcastle-under-lyme/gbr
I caught an episode of the real football factories on Virgin1 recently and it was f**king hillarious. Danny Dyer was trying to give it the ‘Ivor’ to a knucklehead from Burnley who just looked like he wanted to glass him much to Dyer’s discomfort. It ended with Dyer skulking out looking like he had soiled his pants to report ‘their a propa nasty crew’. What a twat!
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AndyinBrum
January 25, 2008 2:46 PM
Edinburgh/gbr
If you want an excellent match report of Escape to Victory - can I suggest you have a look on the brilliantly excellent www.HTFC-World.com . Well worth a peruse of all the match reports, but this one is special
Intro
http://www.htfc-world.com/reports/etv/etvpart1.htm
1st Half
http://www.htfc-world.com/reports/etv/etvmatchpart1.htm
2nd Half
http://www.htfc-world.com/reports/etv/etvmatchpart3.htm
enjoy
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Interista
January 25, 2008 2:47 PM
I think Rocky Balboa being here is a bit harsh. It had to walk a tightrope of trying to be as sweet (sweet as in simple, honest and sentimental not Peter Griffin sweet!) as the first 2 whilst still retaining an element of the trashy 80’s nonsense that made 3 & 4 so hilariously awesome and in turn helped Rocky become a classic character.
It reflects Stallones life for sure, but even he admitted that. He knows he’s been through his acting career but deep down he’ll always be Rocky or Rambo, so he’s giving them one last fling. Considering how much rock n roll acts exploit the “Farewell Tour” schtick, I don’t think Stallone was being too greedy going to the well one more time.
In terms of it reflection on boxing itself, to me the only story in it is that people would rather watch Rocky than the real champion of the world. Thats true in both real life & in the movie, boxing was struggling as little as a year ago to attract people to watch it’s new blood but as soon as Foreman or Tyson threatened a comeback then everyone is interested. There are no characters left in boxing (though hopefully there are a few building at the moment) and characters have always sold boxing to the masses.
The Rocky films have helped to fuel the sport also, I’m sure that between Rocky Balboa & The Contender interest in boxing has spiked in recent years.
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stevengp
January 25, 2008 2:47 PM
Hull/gbr
up n under is easily the worst sports film ever
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rediroma
January 25, 2008 2:48 PM
Johnny, you beat me to the line… Friday Night Lights. Class. Even if you don’t give a toot about yankee (or texan, rather) football.
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MichaelVaughanMyLord
January 25, 2008 2:49 PM
London/gbr
I haven’t seen Wimbledon as I know it would cause me to pull out my own teeth, but I can guess it is far worse than any of the films named on here.
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MichaelVaughanMyLord
January 25, 2008 2:51 PM
London/gbr
Happy Gilmour has to rank as one of the best.
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Scratch
January 25, 2008 2:51 PM
Manchester/gbr
Prefontaine. He runs, he wins, he dies. Thrilling.
The best is Fat City.
The best named is Rebound, The Legend of Earl “The Goat” Manigault. A netball drama of apparently withering scope.
Personally, I’d have added an exclaimation mark after the word “Rebound” and rendered the word “Legend” in that crumbling rock font they use for Biblical epics.
Only these amendments would, I feel, do justice to the memory of Earl “The Goat” Manigault.
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sawdustanddiamonds
January 25, 2008 2:51 PM
London/gbr
I can’t decide if Escape to Victory falls into the ’so bad it’s good’ category.
No, wait, it’s horrible. Teeth clenchingly bad.
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KingKeith
January 25, 2008 2:52 PM
Any Given Sunday? Blasphemy. It’s got Pacino, Jim Brown, James Woods, Matthew Modine, Ann-Margaret, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid, Lawrence Taylor and Jamie Foxx (on the verge of greatness) with not a bad performance in sight. The speech derided is superb, and it’s nicely shot and has a superb soundtrack. What’s not to like?
As for “When Saturday Comes”, valid points are made, but it is unfair to direct any criticism of anything involving Sheffield United whilst Bryan robson remains manager there. That’s quite enough to worry about!
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toninho
January 25, 2008 2:52 PM
surely “The Mighty Ducks” and the sequels have to be mentioned…
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gecko411
January 25, 2008 2:52 PM
London/gbr
Recently, late evening on I Sky Three I think they had ‘Football’s Worst Away Days .. 2′. They followed the Swansea Youth - one their way to Nottingham to a league game and to beat up the locals. These guys got lost on the way, missed kick-off, got thrown on the ground by grey-haired stewards, got split up, two of them got beaten up by locals and it all ended with them fighting among themselves. Car-crash TV at its best.
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MichaelVaughanMyLord
January 25, 2008 2:53 PM
London/gbr
… and Cool Runnings, one of the only Disney films to not make me want to projectile vomit
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letsstopthisnonsense
January 25, 2008 2:56 PM
London/gbr
Any Given Sunday - Friday Night Light’s poor half cousin. Best Sport’s film ever. Anyone ever seen Lagaan (Cricket based Bollywood)? Comments? One of my person favourites is Fred Trueman’s appearance in Dad’s Army. Priceless.
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visionsofjohannah
January 25, 2008 2:56 PM
Staines/gbr
What about Adidas’s shameless marketing exercise ‘Goal!’ Truly awful. Unfortunately it was the first of a trilogy; the next one sees our young footballing hero making his mark at Real Madrid. The third? I don’t know, but Adidas make L.A. Galaxy’s shirts don’t they?
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mozeilles
January 25, 2008 2:58 PM
Rochdale/gbr
errr, A Shot of Glory, surely?! Starring non other than Ally McCoist as an ex-Celtic player, alongside Michael Keaton and Robert Duvall(!) who manages to pull off the most ridiculous Scottish accent. It’s absolute drivell….
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Yeboah21
January 25, 2008 2:59 PM
Thorpe-le-soken/gbr
Where is shot at glory?? ally McCoist plays a maverick ageing ex celtic striker given one more chance at the big time by a small club named Kilnockie. Robert Duvall is his manager, complete with hilariously confused scottish accent, and Michael keaton plays the money bags American chairman. Pure gold.
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sweetlordhavemercy
January 25, 2008 3:02 PM
No no Interista no no no no no no no nononononononononono.
Rocky Balboa is unwatchable filth. UNWATCHABLE.
Also, the fighting in Rocky clearly bears absolutely no relation at all whatseoever in any way to real boxing. You know that right? I mean, neither Rocky or the preposterous Mason ‘the line’ Dixon (who the hell came up with that name? and did they contrive it just so they could use that nickname? and if so why? it’s terrible) ever actually misses a punch. Ever. Every single punch they throw connects. What the hell are you going on about?
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IvorEngine
January 25, 2008 3:05 PM
Cambridge/gbr
Goal! - absolutely dire and i’m sure they’ll get increasingly bad.
When Saturday Comes - all boxes ticked indeed, although you could also add Bend it Like Beckham to this category.
Escape to Victory - C’mon, its a classic - you’ve got to love it.
Chariots of Fire - now there’s a sports film!
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apkm
January 25, 2008 3:06 PM
Sheffield/gbr
I was in When Saturday Comes. i was in the crowd behind the goal when sean bean scored the penalty. they filmed it at half time in an FA Cup match between Sheff U and Man U. Beanie had to take the kick half a dozen times, he kept missing ! so even that was rubbish. it is a truly awful film, but i think it is “bettered” (or should that be “worsed”) by Up and Under, a completely terrible film about rugby league and by A Shot At Glory, starring Ally McCoist and Robert Duvall. all i can say about that one is, “why?”
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richardsanddoog
January 25, 2008 3:09 PM
Wolverhampton/gbr
“..Crooked Stick knocks Tin Cup into a cocked hat.”
Try saying that after a snifter of Fuller’s Old Winter Ale
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ammypam
January 25, 2008 3:13 PM
Prague/cze
When Saturday Comes also has the cup semi-final involving Sheffield United at Bramall Lane.
I’d have Field of Dreams in the terrible category. I saw it in America, it’s ridiculous and its yank sentimentality made me feel very queasy.
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whelan1983
January 25, 2008 3:14 PM
Rochdale/gbr
You should see Bend it like Beckham! It’s actually got girls playing football! Hilarious!
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sawdustanddiamonds
January 25, 2008 3:14 PM
London/gbr
The Ringer.
It had so much bad-taste potential.
Then turned into a mawkish love story.
Gah!
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hiberno
January 25, 2008 3:14 PM
Zagreb/hrv
Escape to Victory is only there because any “critic” who wants to be seen as serious must make it so. I defy anyone, at 8-15 years of age, or born in the 70’s/early 80’s, to watch it and not give a little clenched fist as Bobby Moore nets a goal back, or when Pele scores his overhead. It’s so much better than any other football movie and whips much of the Hollywood pap that the rest of the world gets infected by. But at least the Might Ducks were done for brand marketing (pure genius) with a story that makes GOAL! look like a 30secs tv ad.
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