KANSAS CITY, KS-As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University. Burdett added: "Gravity-which is taught to our children as a law-is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise. The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision." "We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall-just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

We think Flying Spaghetti Monsterism makes just as much (if not more) sense.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 USA Patriot Act Survey Support your local (subversive!) librarians! Dear Colleague: We need your help and just a small amount of your time. There is an initiative spearheaded by a group of alternative papers, which is planning an investigative report this summer to appear in as many as 150 papers nationwide. This report will examine the controversy surrounding government attempts to spy on citizens in libraries using provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act, as well as other means. Specifically, the story will focus on what extent the government is using library, bookseller, ISP, medical, banking and other records to spy on its own citizens since September 11th. Additionally, this investigation will look at the extent to which the government has done so in the past, pre-9/11. To help in this investigation, the alternative press is seeking librarians who have had experience in the recent or distant past in which they have been contacted by government entities, formally or otherwise, for the purpose of attaining information on library users. These could be: Contacts from the police, FBI, INS, the Justice Department, or other government representatives; Informal requests to report suspicious people, provide patron records, provide records of people checking out certain books or report patrons showing interest in certain subjects; or Court-ordered requests or just pressure or intimidation by government representatives. This project is very important to ALA. The story addresses a subject close to librarians' hearts-the privacy rights of our patrons. Please give us 10 minutes of your time and complete a survey being conducted by the Library Research Center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, which will ask, for example, whether you personally have been asked by a law enforcement agent for information about a user; if so, whether the officer was a federal, state, or local agent, and what type of information was requested. The survey is found at http://lrcsurvey.lis.uiuc.edu/cgi-bin/qwebcorporate.cgi?idx=JCV473. The deadline for completing the survey is July 22, 2004. The gag order associated with the PATRIOT Act only applies to librarians who have actually been served with a court order issued under Section 215 by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court or a National Security Letter, Section 505. Librarians who are or have been contacted by law enforcement and other government entities in other circumstances are free to speak about those experiences, unless the court order specifically has a gag order attached. I assure you that your answers will be collected on a secure server and deleted from both the server and its archives once analyzed. Responses will be analyzed only in the aggregate. Our deepest thanks in advance for your assistance in helping us understand this increasingly complex issue. We intend to publicize the findings widely! This survey should not be confused with the more extensive and precise ALA survey which will take place in the Fall. Sincerely, Judith F. Krug Director Office for Intellectual Freedom

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries that they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." A second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

Go to Google. Type in "weapons of mass destruction" but don't hit the enter button. Instead, hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button next to the normal Google "Search" button. An "ERROR MESSAGE" appears. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE CAREFULLY. Read the WHOLE error message. Someone at Google has a political sense of humor.

With a tip of the hat to Jim Freeberg for the great cartoons!